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So heartbroken right now

My youngest cat was to be taken to the vets yesterday to be done, but just as my mum was about to get into the vets, he managed to break open his cage and get away. 

We just went up there looking for him, i feeling hopeless and desolate about finding him, its a massive woods that he has run off into plus its snowing, I'm so worried about him being out there all on his own and having not had anything to eat for the past two days. Right now the only thing I would care for is to have my baby back with me here, where i know he is safe and sound and not stuck out in the cold in a place he doesn't know..

Please come home soon baby :(

Jan. 2nd, 2012

 I get to be a part of this soon ^_^ 
I have sort of been a part of this, can't wait till I can be part of full Sapphire blue ocean ^_^

Don't know when i made this but might as post up anyway, seems i forgot all about it.
Ahh well better late than never 


Have you ever kissed someone who’s name started with L? Umm no

Have you held hands with anybody in the last 4 days? Yeah my housemate XD

If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Jestrum

Honestly, who are you Iming? My housemate cause we are in different rooms and are sharing stuff we find on the internet and talking about people

Do you cross your legs when you sit? Sometimes

Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? Yup

Do you have condoms in your room? Not that I’m aware of

Do you still talk to the person you liked 7 months ago? Every now and then when they are around, which ain’t very much just recently

Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 year younger? Older please

When was the last time you felt like throwing up? Last year at a birthday party after drinking too much and smoking too much

Think back to this time last year, were you happy? Um getting there

If you were given a pregnancy test, would it be negative? I should hope so!

Four months ago, can you remember who you liked, who was it? No one I had given up with people at that point = /

Is there anyone out there who can make you cry very easily? Yeah my ex when he is being a dick, which is all the time when he talks to me

Do you ever get good morning messages from anyone? Not really, sometimes wake up to find links that my housemate has sent me

Do you know what the last person you kissed is doing? They are in their room

is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? Yeah but I’m going to have to wait for that

How does it feel to be heart broken? Shit at the time but I haven’t felt like that in a long time

What’s your favorite color? Purple :3

Do you currently have a hickey? No….O.o

Do you like holding hands? Yes ^_^

Do you enjoy wearing dresses? Sometimes depends on my mood and what its like outside

Do you think you will ever be married? Already have been and at some point in the future I think I will be again

You’re crying at 12 at night, you call? I don’t call, I go and talk to my housemate
Have you ever been called heartless? Once

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? Highly doubtful

Would you take £40,000 or a brand new car? The money, I could use it right now

Tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? My housemate XD

Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? Would not care, their choice

Any plans for this summer? Festivals, exploring hopefully with the old best friend and then off out of the country :D

Where is the person you dislike the most? America

Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow? Very much doubt that

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? Yeah I would be upset if I lost her, wouldn’t know what I would do without them

Did your parents spoil you as a child? Not really

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? Sleeping

Do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like? Part of me would like to think I am but I have a downer on myself so I don’t ever think I’m good enough for those I like

Is the person you like older or younger than you? Older

Have you ever dated someone who treated you like crap? Yup but I didn’t realize at the time…

Where was your last kiss? Intake

Do you think before you speak? Pretty much all the time

Do you think you can last for an hour without talking? Go far longer than an hour without talking

Do you show your emotions or do you have a poker face? Poker face around pretty much everyone, there are only a few who can tell how I feel from the way I look and they spent some time learning

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J or T? Once again no

Who was the last person to tell you they love you? Ummm how bad is this, I can’t remember

How many people do you trust? Only a handful and that’s cause I know they won’t screw me over or use me

What are you doing right now? Evidently doing this cause I have nothing better to do at 2 in the morning, apart from this? On msn and tumblr and listening to music

Do you know anyone that smokes pot? A fair few people

Could you live with your best friend? I do XD

Do you know who you’ll kiss next? Not really

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Would rather not have either…but I had no choice it
would be a big dog

Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? AHAHAHA LOL NO

Who will your next hug be? Either my mum and housemate

Will you be married by the time you’re 25? Maybe, only time will tell

Would you go on a road trip with your friends? Yup, have done before

Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you? No its always me looking after other people

Do you want to see somebody right now? Yeah but I can’t so I have to deal with it…

Last person/people you hung out with? My housemate when I went to bother her earlier

Was last night enjoyable for you? Umm was about the same as any other night really

Someone says “all guys are players” Not all just a fair few.

If you had an invisible coat like Harry Potter, would you use it often? I think so

Taco Bell or Olive Garden? Taco bell, I miss it at times…ahh I sound like such a fat git XD

Do you trust the police? Neither here nor there, never had to deal with them

If you’re mad while driving, do you flip people off? I don’t drive…but I would probably sit there ranting at them instead

Did the last person you kissed have tattoos? yup

The last person you kissed started with a J or K? Nope

Does it matter to you if your bf/gf smokes cigs? No

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset

What were you doing at midnight last night? On tumblr I think I can’t remember

When was the last time a picture of you was taken? Errr the other day

Was last night terrible? Not really same as any other night at home really

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Ummm I accidently told someone I
can’t stand something I really shouldn’t have done but I told the person involved and they are fine about it and understand it was an accident

Kissed someone in a vehicle? Yes

Last thing you drank? Mango juice

Have you ever seen the last person you texted naked? *tries to remember who it was I texted* Urrrgh I certainly hope not…

Do you always have to have something to drink when you eat? Most of the time

Last night, you felt? Tired

Does the last person you kissed know what color your eyes are? yup

Who is the last person you shared a bed with? That would have been Ryan some time last year

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? I dunno and to be honest I don't care either, I have better things to be doing than worrying about what they think of me


Tervetuloa helvettiin

I don't know where this place is. My last memory is a little scrambled to say the least, I keep trying to focus on what happened to me but as soon as it seems like it is coming back I lose my grip on it and I'm back in the shadows with it all.

I do remember where I lived though, a beautiful house by a lake, woodlands all around, thinking back now it feels like the sun was always shining, unlike here, it never seems to break through the clouds properly. It never gets light here, or dark really, a constant twilight in which i see figures moving about in the distance. All I want is to go home.

This place, I couldn't tell you what it is called or what it properly is, only that it is a hospital of some kind. I never leave my room, but I know I'm one of the few 'patients' that they have here. Not that I have ever seen any, never hear any one either. Sometimes one of the nurses comes and throws a little paper cup at me with some pills in, but I don't take them. I don't know what they are and to the best of my knowledge there isn't anything wrong with me.

I tried talking to one of the nurses once, she seemed like one of the nice ones, not all hostile stares and angry shouts. I asked her where I was and what was I in here for, she kept repeating something in russian to me though, what little russian I learned in school was not being much use to me here.

So now I spend my days watching the perpetual dawn that never breaks from my bedroom window, I don't know what im waiting for. But then again what would anyone else do in my situation. Not knowing what country they were in and what they were doing there. Maybe I'm waiting for the day the someone comes and starts to give me some answers but for now I keep watch over the courtyard, watching the staff come and go, what little there is that works here.

(Have the basic forms of a story in my head, just trying to form it into some thing. Not sure if i will take this anywhere. criticism welcome.)


Falling to pieces

I'm so hurt right now.
I'm so angry with you that I just want to scream all my hate at you,
I want to take my rage out on your physically till your lying broken and bleeding at my feet, or cowering in the corner.

But at the same time I want to curl up with you, for you to tell me that its a huge misunderstanding and that when you did what you did, you were so drunk that you weren't aware of what you were doing.

I know you will never see this, or read it, or even think its you that I'm going on about.

Right now I want to take everything and disappear and leave you to sort out the shit tip that is your life on your own, but instead I know I'm going to have to put my pain, hurt and depression aside to help you. Real fucking thoughtful of you, twat.

These past few months with you, its always been about what you want, what you need, what you need to be happy. Then that stupid little slut turns up and fucks everything up so much more. I really hope she is up to the task of helping you out, you know, what with your head being the mess that it is, and your drinking..you disappoint me so much I cant even really put it down into words properly.

I thought I knew you, really know you, not just a few odd things here and there. You told me there was no one like me in your life and that there was NO one as important as me in your life and that I was your best friend. Really? if this is how you treat your best friends, I don't want anything to do with you. Without even knowing what I was doing I gave you my heart, after everything I just went through in my last relationship, you would have thought you would have been more thoughtful to me, a little more considerate, being as I'm feeling a little fragile about it all, but now you keep kicking me down, no matter what, because in the end, all that matters is what you want and what you need.

Well fuck you, I don't want to know you anymore Mr wilson, drink yourself into oblivion for all I care, I wont be there to pick up the pieces like I was last time.

To my dear friend

I never thought this day would come. I have thought about how it would feel to find out that one of the people i have grown up with and gone to school with has died but i imagined it happening when we were in our late 20s, i never thought it would happen now, i never thought it would be one of my close friends that we would lose in such a tragic way.

We all miss you so much morten, the world feels empty now you arnt here to make us all laugh with some of your amazing quotes, things that we will remember for the rest of our lives. A few people have said something that i keep feeling, that some day soon we are all going to go up to the hospital to see you and how you are doing and then you remember that we cant do that cause your not there to see. It just isnt fair that you have been taken and nothing is going to bring you back and that to me is heartbreaking.

I wont forget the last time i saw you at the intake when you went home to get your ps3 so you could all sit there playing MW2 on the flat screen in the pub and how you spent over half the night kicking lambets ass cause he sucked at it :) and im sure megan and me wont forget your parting comment to us that night 'I understand cause i have breasts'. You were a light in our lives morten and you will be missed so much. You may be gone but you will never be forgotten, every single one of us carries you with us in our minds and hearts, your memory will live on through us all.

So goodbye my dear friend i hope to see you again some day on the other side with your welcoming comment of 'minge'. you were one in a million.

Morten Larby

What to do

What do you do when you your rejected from one place and dare not set foot in another for the fact that you will you will be pulled apart by those that are there. I have ended up sitting my self down in the middle of the street and im about to scream what the fuck should i do, cause i have no fucking idea anymore!

Im damned if i open my mouth to anyone and complain about how im treated and i get built up anger if i cant rant it out somewhere. I can drown in the frozen river or be burned by the flames i run from. This is one of those times i sit back and get a estranged feeling of loneliness but only from life and certain people.

Its like walking down the street but no one else is out but you, you know that makes me think of the few and very rare times i have been walking through town during the day and i havent seen a soul and you could hear a pin drop it was so silent.....i havent heard that in a long time...the world is at unrest so hence no silent periods...it would seem with my pockets of pure silence my track of good to bad luck has gone and in its place is a haywire erratic path running from good luck to bad in minutes rather than years like it use to do.  Its odd how you use get use to life dealing you your hands one way when it throws the rule book out the window but forget to tell you in passing that the card game now runs by the rules of monopoly rather than mousetrap which you had only just got use to( in more ways for the reason that your playing a card game with the rules of a board game :P you work it out).

Thinking back again to when i was about 13 or 14 i think i wrote a journal that was a real plea for help and i was on about how my path was in darkness and that there was no one there to hold my hand to guide me....well i thought the person to hold my hand had come to me instead it was only the repairman who changed the tubes for flickering ones that keep throwing me into the dark and then laughing at me as i come out into the light all ready to fight my tormentors to find none there......Im rambling about everything and nothing and its only going to make sense to me.....good job its likely to only be me and one possible disgruntled reader sifting through this......

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February 2012